I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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