Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
