Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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