do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Someone came in the potted fern
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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