Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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