i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
