I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
