I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
