I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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