I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
