it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
