Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
