I'm really into asian looking animals
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hippo gnu deer
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
