You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
