Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
