this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
