they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
