i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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