i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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