I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
