I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she told me i tasted like america
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
