with your own penis?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize