I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
