my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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