I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
