I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
