So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
