There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
