You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
