Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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