I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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