Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I did not marry a roomba.
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