if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize