ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
