You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
