I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
