im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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