After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
