i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Randomize
