In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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