I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
