oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
