Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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