Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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