Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
