is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
