I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
