the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I have fence marks all over my body
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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