just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
