I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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