my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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