God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
nutella sex= disaster
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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