Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
