walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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