She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
