we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
