I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
