i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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