Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize