I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
